How is this combo even possible if sex is all about pleasure? Easily. Everyone reacts differently when stress occurs in life. We are all playing the game of life with four major “cards” in our hands: your genetic makeup, personal development, life experiences, and beliefs and emotions. Sex is such a valuable part of our well-being and stress is not a favorable factor to our libido - when we stress and being persistently nervous it creates a constant alert state and it’s not easy to think about kinky stuff. Although anxiety around sex goes far beyond that.
So what is sexual anxiety?
Sexual anxiety is a fear-based response to sex and intimacy and it’s an extremely sensitive topic. Often our problems are rooted in the mind - we can literally get trapped in our mind and unable to perform when out of nowhere anxiety sets in. We’re taught that penises must always have a full erection during arousal and a successful intercourse for a woman must end with an orgasm and if we’re not wet we’re not even turned on. The truth is not that black and white though and it just creates more anxiety and fear around performance not to mention that our bodies do not always act according to our expectations.
Anxiety around sex can affect anyone - any age, gender, experience level, or sexual preference. It’s often associated with a fear of ‘firsts’; first time having sex, first time trying something in the bedroom, first time with a new partner, etc. But it can happen at seemingly random times too, and for some, is a long-term affliction that causes real stress and anxiety. Some of the most common fears about sex include:
- Negative body image
- Worries about a relationship
- Worry that your genitals aren't the "right" size or shape
- Worry about orgasm happening too soon, or taking too long (or not happening at all)
Before jumping to some useful tips on this, let me talk about how essential it is not to overthink when we are the “chill and horny” ones - I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to practice our empathy and understanding when our partner is just simply not in the mood, (and not for one or two nights). A stressful period because of various factors such as work, a deadline in a project, loss, depression, burnout and other mental circumstances, disorders, lack of motivation or health problems, nutrient deficiencies can all cause unbalance in sexuality. In wellness (also) it’s so important what you put into your mouth. Both the right partner’s body part and the food you’re consuming are essential.
If there’s one thing I can offer you out of all of this, it would be kindness. Kindness to yourself and kindness to others. It’s ok if you can’t get hard or you can’t bring yourself to be present in the moment, and you should definitely be more understanding if your partner can’t either. And don’t forget we’re the ones responsible for “owning” our sexual fulfillment. Try to make it reciprocate; sharing is caring!
So here are few tips for you (and your partner) to try out:
- Planned erotic times are so underrated. You’d be surprised how surprising it can be a scheduled play-time
- “Expectations vs. Reality” - train and educate your mind for a conscious and realistic thinking around sex
- Practice respect and love for your body, mind and yourself
- Talk to a therapist - make an appointment with a counselor or therapist who has experience in treating sexual problems
- Change your thoughts about erections and orgasms. Accept that it’s ok if they don’t always happen
- Communication is lubrication - being open with your partner and talking about your anxiety can help ease some of your worries
- Take a pause, try to cope with stress and find a method which works for you like meditation, breathing exercises, move your body and have a sleeping routine
- Explore new routes of intimacy and pleasure with a Mystra, it’s an absolute game-changer. ;)